Friday, January 26, 2007

Our Chosen One

Stardate 01-26-07

Anakin Skywalker restored the balance to the Force, Neo saved us from the Matrix, and Paul Maud Dib became the Kwisatz Haderach on Arrakis, Dune, Desert Planet. These characters are commonly referred to in fiction as "Messiah figures," meaning that they are special or chosen to save those around them just as Christ saved humanity.

In case you haven't already heard, I have a very exciting announcement to make. Tom Cruise has been declared by the leaders of Scientology as Divine and a Chosen One of our times. According to an unnamed source in Britain's Sun, "Tom has been told he is Scientology's Christ-like figure. Like Christ, he has been criticized for his views. But future generations will realize he was right."

I am sure the question on all of our minds is this, "What will he save us from?"

Do not fear for I, Darth Spencer, have found the answer. However, at this point, I must please ask those of you who have not yet attained a Scientology Operating Level of III or more to please stop reading, because your Thetans will not be ready to hear, "The secrets of a disaster which resulted in the decay of life as we know it in this sector of the galaxy."

You see, about 75 million years ago, Earth, which back then was called Teegeeack, was part of the Galactic Confederacy which consisted of 26 stars and 76 planets. The Galactic Confederacy had a huge problem of overpopulation, averaging 178 billion people per planet. Xenu, an evil dictator of the Galactic Confederacy was about to be disposed of his power, so he devised a plot to eliminate the excess population from his dominions. Xenu, along with a group of renegades fought and overcame the "Loyal Officers," a force for good which opposed Xenu. Then, with the assistance of psychiatrists, he summoned billions of people to paralyze them with alcohol and glycol injections, under the pretence that they were being called for "income tax" inspections. He then kidnapped them and loaded them into space planes and brought them to planet Teegeeack(Earth) for extermination.

When the space planes reached Teegeeack, the paralyzed people were unloaded and stacked around the bases of volcanoes across the planet. Hydrogen bombs were then lowered into the volcanoes and were detonated simultaneously. Not only were those who were brought to earth viscously slaughtered, but many of the local inhabitants of Teegeeack died in the explosions. Only a few peoples physical bodies survived. Listen to how L. Ron Hubbard describes these sad, terrible events:

"Simultaneously, the planted charges erupted. Atomic blats ballooned from the craters of Loa, Vesuvius, Shasta, Washington, Fujiyama, Etna, and many, many others. Arching higher and higher, up and outwards, towering clouds mushroomed, shot through with flashes of flame, waste and fission. Great winds raced tumultuously across the face of the Earth, spreading tales of destruction. Debris-studded, and sickly yellow, the atomic clouds followed close on the heels of the winds. Their bow-shaped fronts encroached inexorably upon forest, city and mankind, they delivered their gifts of death and radiation. A skyscraper, tall and arrow-straight, bent over to form a question mark to the very idea of humanity before crumbling into the screaming city below..."

The now-disembodied victims' souls, which Hubbard called "Thetans," were blown into the air by the blast. They were captured by Xenu's forces using an "electronic ribbon" and sucked into "vacuum zones" around the world. The hundreds of billions of captured thetans were taken to a type of movie theatre, where they were forced to watch a "3-D super colossal motion picture" for 36 days. This movie implanted what Hubbard termed, "various misleading data" into the memories of the hapless thetans, "which had to do with God, the Devil, [world religions, Roman Catholicism and even the image of the Crucifixion]." This implementation of new beliefs into the thetans is called the "R6 Implant."

The R6 Implants deprived all thetans of their personal identity. When the thetans left the theatres, they started to cluster together in groups of a few thousand, having lost the ability to differentiate between eachother. Each cluster of thetans gathered into one of the few remaining bodies that survived the explosion. These became known as "body thetans," which are said to be still clinging to and adversely affecting everyone except those Scientologists who have performed the necessary steps to remove them.

From my reseach, I have determined that there is one of two ways that Tom Cruise will be able to save us.

First, as Tom Cruise spreads the good word of Scientology, we will all learn what we need to do in order to cleanse ourselves of all of our thetans, which will in turn help us to achieve our highest level of spirituality.


Second, the Loyal Officers of the Galactic Confederacy were finally able to overthrow the evil Xenu and locked him away in a mountain, where he was imprisoned forever by a force field powered by an eternal battery. Some have suggested that Xenu is imprisoned here on Earth in the Pyrenees. Teegeeack/Earth was subsequently abandoned by the Galactic Confederacy and remains a "prison planet" to this day. It is my opinion that Xenu will find a way to escape, and it will be up to Tom Cruise to fight and save us from his deadly grasp.

Either way, we are in good hands. Thank you Tom Cruise.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

The Men Who Stare At Goats

Stardate 01-17-07

If you're at all interested in psychic spies, real life Jedi Knights, or men who can stare goats to death, then this book is for you. The author, Jon Ronson, a columnist for the Guardian, swears that everything in this book although secret, is true. In a nutshell, this book is about an army Lieutenant Colonel who became disillusioned with war and killing during Nam'. He felt that there had to be a better and more humane way to fight. So, he set off on a journey, which was fully paid for by the US Military, to figure it out. His journey led him to California where he studied with the new age Gurus and Monks. He learned about auras and alternative forms of healing and fighting. At the end of his journey, he compiled all that he had learned and created the First Earth Batallion Manual.

The book also talks about the various influences that this manual has had on individuals and events such as the tracking of General Manuel Noriega, The Branch Dividians and Waco Texas standoff, events surrounding Hale Bopp Comet, Guantanamo Bay, and even Abu'Graib.

But perhaps my favorite part of this book are Ronson's interviews, especially the ones with the psychic spies. In one interview with a psychic spy named Glenn Wheaton, Ronson is following a lead, trying to find a mysterious person named Ron, who supposedly has started to re-activate the psychic spies after the events of 9/11. Here is part of that interview:

Glenn was a big man with a tight crop of red hair and a Vietnam vet-style handlebar mustache. My plan was to ask Glenn about his psychic spying days and then try to broach the subject of Ron, but from the moment I sat down, our conversation veered off in a wholly unexpected direction.
Glenn leaned forward in his chair. "You've gone from the front door to the back door. How many chairs are in my house?:
There was a silence.
"Your probably can't tell me how many chairs are in my house," said Glenn
I started to look around.
"A supersoldier wouldn't need to look," he said. "He would just know."
"A supersoldier?" I asked.
"A supersoldier," said Glenn. "A Jedi Warrior. He would know where all the lights are. Most people are poor observers. They haven't got a clue about what's really happening around them."
"Whats a Jedi Warrior?" I asked.
"You're looking at one," said Glenn.
In the mid-1980s, he told me, Special Forces undertook a secret initiative, codenamed Project Jedi, to create supersoldiers--soldiers with superpowers. One such power was the ability to walk into a room and instantly be aware of every detail; that was level one.
"What was the level above that?" I asked.
"Level two," he said. "Intuition. Is there some way we can develop you so you make correct decisions? Somebody runs up and says, 'There's a fork in the road. Do we turn left or do we turn right?' And you go"--Glenn snapped his fingers--"'We go right!'"
"What was the level above that?" I asked.
"Invisibility," said Glenn.
"Actual invisibility?" I asked.
"At first," said Glenn. "But after a while we adapted it to just finding a way of not being seen."
"In what way?" I asked.
"By understanding the linkage between observation and reality, you learn to dance with invisibility," said Glenn. "If you're not observed, you are invisible. You only exist if someone sees you."
"So, like camouflage?" I asked.
"No," sighed Glenn.
"How good are you at invisibility?" I asked.
"Well," said Glenn, "I've got red hair and blue eyes, so people tend to remember me. But I get by. I'm alive today."
"What was the level above invisibilty?" I asked.
"Uh," said Glenn. He paused a moment. Then he said, "We had a master sergeant who could stop the heart of a goat."
There was silence. Glenn raised an eyebrow.
"Just by..." I said.
"Just by wanting the goat's heart to stop." Said Glenn.
"That's quite a leap," I said.
Right," said Glenn.
"And did he make the goat's heart stop?" I asked.
"He did it at least once," he said.

After this interview, Ronson goes on to learn about Goat Lab, which is a secret lab out at Fort Bragg where they actually tried to train soldgiers to stare goats to death.


Thursday, January 04, 2007

2007: The Future Is Now

Stardate 01-04-07

Ever since I was a wee young Sith growing up on my home planet of Korriban, I have had many dreams. One of those dreams was to play a video game against someone on the other side of the world. My young Sith aprenti, the future is now. For Christmas I recieved a shiny, white, Nintendo DS, which is Nintendos latest and greatest gameboy. Here is the skinny on the DS. The DS has two screens, one of which is a touch screen that allows you to use a stylus, adding a whole new level of gameplay to the mix. The DS has pretty impressive graphics for handheld. They are basically the equivelent to a Nintendo 64, making for bright and beautiful colors and 3D world gameplay. Perhaps the greatest thing about the DS is its built in wireless capabilites. All you need is wireless interweb and the right game, and you can play for free on a worldwide DS gamers network.

My first time was amazing. I've been addicted to Tetris DS since I bought it. The only downside is that I dont have wireless at my house on Korriban. The second we got up to SLC and got the car unpacked, I sat down to take advantage of the wi-fi, and logged on to two player battle mode. As I sat in the queue and waited for my oponent, I was honestly shaking like a madman. I knew my Tetris skillllzzz were amazing, but I had no idea how I would compare to Boris in Russia, Liam in England, Mao Lee in China, or Stan in America. I drew some chick named Gloria. Our first game was a fierce battle, but I lost. Devistated, I realized that I was too nervous, and reached down deep to harnous the power of the force. It flowed freely through me and I felt true power as I wished for her blood. The next three games were a slaughter; RIP Gloria.

It is honestly so much fun. It keeps track of all of your wins and it gives you a point ranking based on your performance. The coolest thing is that if any of my readers decide to get a DS, we can play against eachother in Find a Friend mode.

I also got the New Super Mario Bros and Star Trek: Tactical Assault. I will purchase Mario Cart DS with my remaining Target Gift Card money. I have heard that it is a blast online. The game works well with a DS. As you recall, an important part of the game is shooting stuff at those in front and behind you. The second screen acts as a rear view mirror, making it all the easier.