Our Chosen One

Stardate 01-26-07

Anakin Skywalker restored the balance to the Force, Neo saved us from the Matrix, and Paul Maud Dib became the Kwisatz Haderach on Arrakis, Dune, Desert Planet. These characters are commonly referred to in fiction as "Messiah figures," meaning that they are special or chosen to save those around them just as Christ saved humanity.

In case you haven't already heard, I have a very exciting announcement to make. Tom Cruise has been declared by the leaders of Scientology as Divine and a Chosen One of our times. According to an unnamed source in Britain's Sun, "Tom has been told he is Scientology's Christ-like figure. Like Christ, he has been criticized for his views. But future generations will realize he was right."

I am sure the question on all of our minds is this, "What will he save us from?"

Do not fear for I, Darth Spencer, have found the answer. However, at this point, I must please ask those of you who have not yet attained a Scientology Operating Level of III or more to please stop reading, because your Thetans will not be ready to hear, "The secrets of a disaster which resulted in the decay of life as we know it in this sector of the galaxy."

You see, about 75 million years ago, Earth, which back then was called Teegeeack, was part of the Galactic Confederacy which consisted of 26 stars and 76 planets. The Galactic Confederacy had a huge problem of overpopulation, averaging 178 billion people per planet. Xenu, an evil dictator of the Galactic Confederacy was about to be disposed of his power, so he devised a plot to eliminate the excess population from his dominions. Xenu, along with a group of renegades fought and overcame the "Loyal Officers," a force for good which opposed Xenu. Then, with the assistance of psychiatrists, he summoned billions of people to paralyze them with alcohol and glycol injections, under the pretence that they were being called for "income tax" inspections. He then kidnapped them and loaded them into space planes and brought them to planet Teegeeack(Earth) for extermination.

When the space planes reached Teegeeack, the paralyzed people were unloaded and stacked around the bases of volcanoes across the planet. Hydrogen bombs were then lowered into the volcanoes and were detonated simultaneously. Not only were those who were brought to earth viscously slaughtered, but many of the local inhabitants of Teegeeack died in the explosions. Only a few peoples physical bodies survived. Listen to how L. Ron Hubbard describes these sad, terrible events:

"Simultaneously, the planted charges erupted. Atomic blats ballooned from the craters of Loa, Vesuvius, Shasta, Washington, Fujiyama, Etna, and many, many others. Arching higher and higher, up and outwards, towering clouds mushroomed, shot through with flashes of flame, waste and fission. Great winds raced tumultuously across the face of the Earth, spreading tales of destruction. Debris-studded, and sickly yellow, the atomic clouds followed close on the heels of the winds. Their bow-shaped fronts encroached inexorably upon forest, city and mankind, they delivered their gifts of death and radiation. A skyscraper, tall and arrow-straight, bent over to form a question mark to the very idea of humanity before crumbling into the screaming city below..."

The now-disembodied victims' souls, which Hubbard called "Thetans," were blown into the air by the blast. They were captured by Xenu's forces using an "electronic ribbon" and sucked into "vacuum zones" around the world. The hundreds of billions of captured thetans were taken to a type of movie theatre, where they were forced to watch a "3-D super colossal motion picture" for 36 days. This movie implanted what Hubbard termed, "various misleading data" into the memories of the hapless thetans, "which had to do with God, the Devil, [world religions, Roman Catholicism and even the image of the Crucifixion]." This implementation of new beliefs into the thetans is called the "R6 Implant."

The R6 Implants deprived all thetans of their personal identity. When the thetans left the theatres, they started to cluster together in groups of a few thousand, having lost the ability to differentiate between eachother. Each cluster of thetans gathered into one of the few remaining bodies that survived the explosion. These became known as "body thetans," which are said to be still clinging to and adversely affecting everyone except those Scientologists who have performed the necessary steps to remove them.

From my reseach, I have determined that there is one of two ways that Tom Cruise will be able to save us.

First, as Tom Cruise spreads the good word of Scientology, we will all learn what we need to do in order to cleanse ourselves of all of our thetans, which will in turn help us to achieve our highest level of spirituality.

or

Second, the Loyal Officers of the Galactic Confederacy were finally able to overthrow the evil Xenu and locked him away in a mountain, where he was imprisoned forever by a force field powered by an eternal battery. Some have suggested that Xenu is imprisoned here on Earth in the Pyrenees. Teegeeack/Earth was subsequently abandoned by the Galactic Confederacy and remains a "prison planet" to this day. It is my opinion that Xenu will find a way to escape, and it will be up to Tom Cruise to fight and save us from his deadly grasp.

Either way, we are in good hands. Thank you Tom Cruise.